We Promised Seven Years….

Friends,

First, I would like to say that each any every comment you leave me is read, re-read, and appreciated. You all give me great advice, the warmest wishes, and the most fervent prayers. We've never met, but I feel that you are all tangible. I need that. So if I don't respond to a comment, or if it takes me awhile, please know that each word touches my heart and ameliorates my soul.

I had to do the hardest thing I have ever done. I had Phillip involuntarily committed to the Harborview Psychiatric Ward. The abuse became too much for me and my family to handle. He became more and more psychotic—and I am not hyperbolizing the situation by telling you such a severe term. He is psychotic at this point.

We made the decision to commit him after he called the cops on my mother for taking away his bottle of wine and touching him on the shoulder. She did this for two reasons: firstly, alcohol isn't tolerable with his medications and could make things worse; and secondly because he was coming upstairs to hurt me. So he called the cops and threatened to have her arrested for "assault" and "thievery". It was then that we knew he was completely gone.

I had to leave him in the hospital, because the abuse was only escalating. He kept saying that he didn't love me; that I didn't love him; that he would divorce me; that he thought my father wanted to perform an exorcism on him until it killed him; that he would make the cops take away my mother's teaching license….and so much, much more violent, malicious things.

There is one word I have never uttered. It starts with a "c" and is used to denigrate women. While I was holding his hand during the admitting process, he threw that word at me more times than I could count and in several iterations. It hurt so much—but I think you can imagine that. It hurts so much that he thinks I don't love him. It hurts so much that he hurts me and my family. It just hurts.

We made a pact on a whim a few years ago: if either of us went missing, we would wait seven years before we gave up hope and moved on with our lives. My husband is now missing, and I to my word am true: I will wait for him…but not for seven years. I will wait for him ad infinitum. However, he is not responding to medication the way he should. This means his mind might now be forever altered. My husband may never return to me.

I went back to BC yesterday to pick up some things of mine in the chance that this might be true. He might be nasty, vindictive, and cruel for the rest of his life. I took my jewelry and my other prized possessions---Phillip started taking things of mine, little things like my phone charger in the ER, which he refused to give back as a "punishment" for not letting him use my laptop. I didn't give him my laptop because the night before he tried to break it. He cancelled my credit cards. He said he was going to leave me as soon as he is discharged, and I wanted to keep my most valuable things safe if that would be the case.

Involuntary commitment here lasts for 72 hours and then if more time is needed, a hearing is held and if ruled in favor of keeping Phillip in the hospital, he will be remanded there for 14 days. The hearing is tomorrow, and based on my testimony, the testimony of my parents and friends (one who bought mace because he was afraid of Phillip) and the testimony of the doctors we can assume that he will stay committed for those two weeks.

It broke my heart to leave him there. I remember when I was committed to a psych ward and how abandoned and afraid I was. I only stayed there overnight, but I felt so incredibly betrayed by my mother that I thought I could never forgive  her. Once I was well, I did—but now I know how she felt leaving me there. It's a depression in my soul; like part of me has been cut out and minced. I feel like the most terrible human being in the world—let alone wife—but he's not safe outside the hospital, and neither am I.

If there is a chance that the man I married can come back to me, I will wait seven years. I would wait seventy years if given the time…but what do I do if this damage is permanent and he never reverts back?

Hundreds of people say they're praying for us and him. I know that God sometimes says "no". I can't though figure out why these hundreds of prayers haven't given me a definitive answer---or even the hope of a positive one. If God is truly saying "no"; and I never get my husband back….

I can't even finish that sentence.

--- Kimi